orange hills

Amazing the way in which life deals you blows that literally drop you on the floor... I sometimes wondered if i could feel any worse than i did in the past days. Today i got my answer: YES!. It's amazing how i can torture myself like this, how i can destroy myself bit by bit, and not only me but also the ones i love. Couldn't it be simpler? Couldn't it be easier? Couldn't it be better? Maybe. But i don't think i really like simple and easy things. I really think i like torturing myself like this, otherwise i would simply stop. Must be a subconscious thing. I don't know how exactly i keep fucking up things. Always, i ruin a good thing. And then i throw myself in a deep, dark pit out of which i barely climb out after a long time. I'm literally lost for words when it comes to explaining exactly why i do this. I really have to see somebody about this. I worry that one day i'll do something so horribly wrong that it will permanently fuck up not only my life but also someone else's. And that cannot happen, must not happen.


But for now, i'll direct all my attention and care where it should be. I know it's not always fair but i cannot drop this. I've found something that i never thought existed. And i cannot let go of that. I don't want to let go. I honestly think that this would change my life for the better and, because of that and other things, i'll do everything possible and impossible to bring you in my life. i won't give up no matter what. I can't let go because i sometimes am so happy that nothing can affect me, and i only see the good in the world. It's weird, because i used to feel like this before, but never as strong a feeling as now. One moment is now as powerful as days were before. I know it's not fair to say this, but this is how i feel and i promised that i'll never leave things unsaid ever again.
When i hold you it's like the Sun is in me, warming me up. I hear music in my head and feel butterflies in my stomach. And i've fallen for you so hard and now i don't want to get up, ever again. I love you!